ROBBIE WILLIAMS AKA CANDY MARIE CANDY BACK ON LITTLE BRITAIN

Hi! I'm Robbie Williams. Here's a photo of me with my favourite comedy buddies, David Wulliams and Matt Lucan. We're doing a sketch for Comic Relief in which I play an American toddler called Candy Marie Candy the best friend of foul mouthed tyke Ellie Grace (left). It's brilliant. Let me talk you through the picture.

First off, you're probably wondering why I look so small. This is because I bent my legs at the knees before slowly lowering myself to the floor. This is a technique known as "method acting".* I did offer to have my legs amputated for the sketch but my close personal friend David Wolliams told me that might send the wrong message to my billions of fans. Those were his actual words: "billions of fans". I love David Welliams. He's almost as brilliant as Gary Barlow. Matt Leuchars took a different approach to the size issue. He's standing on 11 copies of my hit 2006 album Rudebox (£7.96RRP).

You might have noticed that the knuckles of my right hand have turned red. This is because I'm getting into the head space of the character, not because I have an overwhelming, clinging desperation to return to the limelight, even if it involves pretending to be a three-year-old girl for the purposes of charity.**

Finally, a word about my smile. Some might think my expression betrays a trace of anger, that my clenched jaw and joyless eyes mark the last stand of an artist determined to return to fame's golden embrace, by whatever means necessary. But I'm actually thinking about the fact that Howard Donald has agreed to go for a pint with me a week on Tuesday (finally!)

Basically, I'm back. And I'm as irrepressible as ever. And anyone who disagrees can take that and party!***

* Note to self: remind agent to chase up Holby cameo
** Did you get my letter, Gary?
*** Seriously, Gary, if you're reading this, get in touch, mate.

[Source]

You may remember Robbie Williams latest appearance on Little Britain.